Monday, September 26, 2011


I had a few comments and a couple of emails while i was gone.  I have been MIA for the last month. We had a bit of a bad time and i didn't want to write for a while.

About two months ago, surprisingly, excitingly, a little bit scarily, we found out we were having a baby. I've never been very good with babies, but knowing how much Mero Budda wants a family, it gave me a lot of joy. I was also anxious, so far from home and i had no idea what i should be doing to look after myself and to make sure i didn't fuck up the baby before it was even a person.

Our families were drunk on happiness, almost to the point of delirium. They said don't tell people, try to hide your  news or someone will give you the bad eye. But everybody knew. Strangers invited themselves into our lives, saying eat more rice, get more sleep, don't wash, don't walk, don't work. But of course I always think i know best.

And then one morning, a little pain, a quick trip to the hospital, a waiting room of rounded, perfectly pregnant women listening through the door, and an obnoxious little man with a fancy machine confirmed we weren't having a baby any more. The reason why was never translated to me by the hospital staff but i understood what the women in my community were saying, "we told you". And they did. I never listen.

Suddenly everyone was sad. What comes after making everyone you know sad?

That's all i have to say about that right now but i reserve the right to return to the topic later, after all, it's my blog. I have some new photos and some writing, i might not post as often as before, i'm working through some things so don't rush me.


  1. hey you,
    i'm so so sorry - i really am. i can't even imagine how much of a rollercoaster these last few weeks/months have been.
    now i won't rush you to post! take your time and rest up ; )

  2. I'm so sorry to hear that. What a stressful, sad (and all kinds of other emotions) time. Of course you reserve the right to talk about it! A death doesn't mean the end of your thoughts and feelings, even for someone you never got to meet properly. This should be a place you can sort out your thoughts about you, and about everyone else (just because they say "I told you" doesn't mean they were actually right). Thoughts and hugs...

  3. I'm so sorry, a miscarriage is unbearably sad. I've had one, it was nothing you did or didn't do, a Dr will tell you that its very difficult to definitively tell you why an early miscarriage happens, so I can't imagine how the women in your community know any better.

  4. @ Anonymous and Sara: a lack of information or education on a topic never prevented nepali women from speculation, finger pointing or gossiping.

    My western brain knows you are right, but my Catholic guilt lets me hold on to anything that makes me feel rubbish :)

    Thanks for the comment.

    @NK it has certainly been a ride i can tell you that. I'll post more due to a lack of other things to do right now!

  5. Hey, I'm so sorry, but I think everyone is happy to have you back on the blog. Also, you changed your layout too! This one looks simple and kinda professional, I like :)
    I hope you know that a lot of people (though we don't know you in person) feel for you, if there's anything we can do...(??) let us know!

  6. Hi Amanda, so sorry to hear about your loss too. You must be going through an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. Hope you only listen to the supportive voices and not the gossiping ones. Thinking of you.

  7. I'm so sorry for all you are going through :( It makes me feel extra sad that the Nepali women are finger pointing. Spontaneous miscarriages happen frequently and the vast majority of the time there is no defined "reason" and nothing you could have done to prevent it. So please don't let those women make you feel guilty. I hope your husband is being supportive and I'm sure he's hurting too. ((Hugs))

  8. I'm so sorry for your loss, especially far from home.

    Hugs and warm wishes.